It's been a while since I last posted the September Stories. There's a reason for that.
This next installment is when the life-changing decision was made, and when the fog began to settle in. The dark cloud came, and it lasted for close to three years. Up until this time, when the cloud came I could push it aside for a while, without any problems. But this time, it came to stay for a long time.
I don't know when it started. As a child I remember having an overwhelming feeling of doom, like something bad was going to happen. It was never tied to anything, just this sudden fear that something was about to go terribly wrong. Sometimes, the feelings were very strong and I couldn't shake them. Later in life, I talked with a doctor, and he said they were called panic attacks and they were very real. He gave them a name, which helped me deal with them better as they came. They no longer paralyzed me.
I still get panic attacks, even on medication. Sometimes, they're so strong I have to take deep breaths and go off somewhere by myself until I can pull myself together and sort through what's real and what's not. The reality is always that I will be okay and nothing is going to happen.
The real part I struggle with is the depression. I'm not talking about a short-lived time in which things aren't going my way. I'm not talking about the winter blues, or post-holiday down feeling. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes me to lose touch with reality and believe things are more than they are, or, in some cases (especially lately), it causes me to get stuck in things I cannot change and have no control over and give in to fears that I should know better than to even entertain. Simply put, I become irrational. It takes time and energy just to keep up the happy face.
But what does any of this have to do with September Stories?
Two things.
1. I don't want you to think this is all his fault. It's not. Having gone through this while we were together, and being able to look back on it, I understand now that while he wasn't the man I needed him to be, I most certainly wasn't the woman he needed me to be. As we finish out the stories and such, I want you to know that it is not all his fault. I'm not the victim, just the participant in something that was not meant to be for several reasons.
2. The foggy cloud has been trying very hard to creep in again. It's been years since I've succumbed to it, and I'm much better prepared for it this time. I know what's real and I know what's not. I know which voices to listen to, and when to take a break. It's not nearly as bad as this last time, but it's prevented me from writing about that time.
The good news is that I take medicine to help me keep chemically balance, and when I am having a meltdown, I know enough to ask myself if this is real or if I'm just a day or two behind on the meds. I have a support system that I'm not afraid to cry in front of if need be, and they just leave me alone to try to work through it all. And they pray for me and surprise me with little angels that look like me when I've had a terrible, horrible, no-good, very-rotten day.
Tomorrow, we return with the next installment of September Stories. I know I've teased you for too long...
love you - just sayin'
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