Saturday, December 31, 2016

2016: 'Bye Felicia

It's the eve of 2017, and in about two hours, I'm going to leave to go jump in the lake to wash off the shitstorm that was 2016.

Until then, I'm looking at 2016, and what was this year, the good, the bad, and the heartbreaking, but also roasting a pan of black-eyed peas, because this Southern girl doesn't take any chances.

The good:
- didn't die, and Daisy didn't die.
- went places, saw things, met people
- became a committed coach of my junior team
- school year ended and a good one started

The bad:
- rough end to a school year
- shaky beginning to a new school year
- dealing with sister getting married
- just the general tough stuff that comes with living a life that includes other people in it.

The heartbreaking:
- ending my "relationship" with Mike. That was hard, man. Really hard.
- ending my derby "relationship" with my league. I'm still trying to figure it out and find balance.
- a derby person's suicide a few days before Christmas. I'd worried about him all morning, and made plans to sit him down with coffee and try to help him figure some stuff out. Didn't get to do that.

Last year's intentions:
1. Go somewhere new: Houston. Kansas. Jupiter Beach. Norman.
2. Learn a new skill: Photoshop. Coaching.
3. Go on a date:  Though it wasn't intentionally romantic, Mike and I did go on a couple of really really good dates. We called them date nights, set them up in advance, and both cleaned up (which for the two of us is something).
4. Chase adventure: every chance I could.
5. Eat more real food: uh, yeah. Sure. Totally.
6. Learn from others: I think so, though I can't pinpoint the lessons right this second.
7. Buy less: uh... yes?
8. Make myself feel significant: Believe it or not, ending the relationship with Mike and ending the relationship with derby both filled this box.
9. Nurture important relationships: This was really what 2016 was all about.
10. Believe that anything is possible: somewhat. I did a lot of "would I have believed this was happening last year?"
11. Embrace simplicity: Still working on that.

I'm making no promises.
I'm holding on to little to no hopes.
I'm simply accepting it as it comes along.
With one little word.


Saturday, September 17, 2016

So there's that.

It's Saturday, but I slept in this morning until 8:30. And then laid on my couch until almost 11. 
I had practice, and until yesterday at lunch, I had planned on going to that this morning. 

But last night I sent an email to the board of directors of my league letting them know I'm done.

I'm not skating with my league anymore. 

I don't play roller derby anymore. 

I'm still coaching and skating with the juniors, and I love every minute of that. (Well, almost  every minute.) But I'm not part of my league anymore. They are struggling, so they've made some changes, and I don't fit in those changes. I've suspected it since about May, but they made it clear this week. 

And then they made one decision in particular that prompted me to send a (very grown up and eloquently-worded) email that essentially said "Bye, Felicia." 

So there's that. 

Since I last blogged (sorry about that), my sister got pregnant, got engaged again (to the same guy), lost the baby (which was a blessing), and got married. 

It was a lot to put together, process, and pull off (as well as pay for) in ten weeks. Thanks to some poorly-chosen high heels, I had to have my foot x-rayed and take some codeine. 

So there's that.

Oh... also... 
The boy{space}friend is no longer speaking to me.

He stopped answering my texts the first of July. He accidentally responded to a text I sent him last week, but when I realized he didn't know it was me, I said "I'll leave you alone if you wish" and he said "I'd appreciate that."

So there's that.

And then, to top it all off, I went to my parent's house for dinner tonight, and my mother asked me what I had rainbow laces on my skates, and was relieved to find out I'm not gay. 

But before I left she handed me two magazine articles to read when I got home- one about a magical weight loss plan and one about bariatric surgery. 

So there's that.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Week in the Life: Tuesday

Wednesdays are such CRAZY BUSY days that I didn't have time to post Tuesday's pictures.

I'm also playing with how to display/scrap all of the pictures. I don't necessarily want to do the natural M-T-W-TH-F-S-S setup. I think I'm going to stick with themes. Ideas I'm playing around with:
- routine
- family
- work
- home
- derby
- texts/messages
- ??

And, of course... a day in the life of Daisy...

Here's Tuesday:
Bed. To Do List. Bad Habit.
Laundry. News. Weather
Scrape. Slow. Classroom.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Week In The Life: Monday

This week, Ali Edwards is documenting Week in the Life, and since I haven't done anything creative or scrapbook-y in forever, I'm going along for the ride.

Here's my Monday... I'll be scrapping it in my Messy Book, but I'm not sure of some of the details yet.
1. Bored after the test. 
2. My STAAR wars shirt. (Why did I even take this bathroom selfie?) 
3. Me heading off to coach the littles in the derby.
1. Lunch
2. The crazy pile of papers on my desk
3. A day of testing

1. The local tv station said the weather was indicating that the sky would be falling shortly.
2. Maps seemed to back up this forecast.
3. Coaching the littles. Barely a cloud in sight. 
1. Sleeping beauty
2. The view from my parking spot
3. Texting with the work buff

Favorite moment: 
After coaching the littles, ran by the boy's house 
and we went and sat outside 
and had tacos and listened to some guy play his guitar.
"Play" is used very loosely.

Here's The Story:
After a month of not speaking, I had some pretty harsh words and several head thumps for the boy {space} friend. And we talked it out and had been working on our friendship since then (end of March). But then I was out of pocket (babysitting, running to San Antonio for a quick derby trip, babysitting), and we didn't see each other for more than a few minutes for about three weeks. And during this all, I've been going through some tough stuff at work, and he's been a good friend to lean on, so when I got back and finally had a night "off", we had a little date night to reconnect. 
And since then (you know... Saturday), the {space} is closing.
And it's weird. And I'm trying to figure out how to navigate it.
And that's one of the reasons I'm documenting this week.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

A tale of two festivals

Six months ago, in September, I helped out at the Blues Festival. It was soaking wet that weekend.

I got to know a casual acquaintance, and he became a friend. A boy friend. With a space in between the words. A boy {space} friend. An integral part of my life.

And this weekend, there was another festival.
35 music festival.
It wasn't a complete washout.

Neither of us went.
I only know that because I've been watching FB.
He probably has no idea if I went or not.

He stopped talking to me 3 weeks ago.
Refusing to answer texts.
He tried to start texting me back up, but I can't go from no contact to how it was before without a conversation.

Then he said something hurtful.
And I haven't heard from him since.

It's not me, it's him. Something's going on with him and I don't know what it is, but it's not about me, so I know I couldn't have done anything one way or another.

The last thing I said to him in person was "Love you too, drive safe. Good night."
And so, if it ends there, it ends there and I have to be okay with that.

But it's probably going to end there.

Sunday, February 07, 2016

The (non) Romantic Life

First and foremost, lest you think that The Guy and I are always slow dancing in the kitchen, we had the following conversation last night:
him: "I want to skate. I'm going to go skate. Come skate with me."
me: "Nope. Done skating for the day. I'm going to Old Navy to spend a bunch of coupons and gift cards. Come shopping with me."
him: "Nope. See you tomorrow?"
me: "Yep. See you tomorrow."

Just didn't want you all to get the illusion that I'm living a romantic life up in this place.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

a better person

Well, wasn't that a dramatic and sleep-deprived little post I left out there for a couple of a lot of weeks?

Though I'm still slightly sleep-deprived (will I ever not be?) I'm facing the rest of 2016 with a little bit better of an attitude.

I sent this text a few nights couple of weeks ago:
I am at the Denton target with the pretend husband. He's wearing a red hoodie. We got separated and it's like the world's worst game of Where's Waldo. We may be pretend divorced when we are done.
We did not get pretend divorced. We came home, cooked dinner while listening to jazz music, danced in the kitchen, and settled in for the evening with both of us on our computers while his dog snored in his lap.

The boy and I are in a pretty good (though still non-romantic) place lately, but it didn't come without hard work. The "not talking to me" referenced in the last post? That was a punishment and a test. And I assure you, it won't happen again.

When the boy and I were talking on New Year's Eve, he had made me mad, and then I said "I'm frustrated with you" but didn't tell him why, and then pulled the classic, "never mind... forget I said anything." I'm totally owning that- but I didn't want to have this conversation over text. So the next two days, when he was short with me, giving me one word answers and not really initiating any conversation, I thought this could possibly be the end of us.

Then, as I was headed his way to pick him up to skate, he was downright rude to me. Rude. And I had had enough. We were going to have a chat. I am never one to confront conflict, but it wasn't healthy for me continue this way.

So, we set up a time to go and skate. I asked if he could meet me at the park, and he was absolutely rude. I tried to call him- he didn't answer. Challenge accepted. The song that should be playing right now is "Going Down For Real."

We rode in silence to the park, with him making small efforts to talk and me not giving an inch. We skated, with more attempts at small talk and such. And again, I was having none of it. Then we decided on dinner. We ordered, sat down to eat, and I said "I need to talk."

Once upon a time, after he had talked to me about some of his issues with people leaving him, I promised him that I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't leave him. And this seemed to be a test of that.

He asked if we were breaking up, and I assured him that I wasn't breaking up with him, and I wasn't leaving him, but I also wasn't happy with how things were going and that I wanted to see some changes. I told him that he doesn't make much effort in our relationship, and that it's very one-sided, with me doing all the work, doing all the driving north, and me doing all of the heavy lifting. And while I wasn't going to leave him, I also wasn't going to put up with this.

Now, it should be said that I'm a firm believer that you can't change anyone, and you can't change their behavior- they have to be the ones to do it. I will not change for a boy, and I will not try to change a boy. So I was not looking to change him. I just needed for my own sake to tell him that I wasn't happy and give him the opportunity to answer to it. And answer he did.

He said "you're right. I haven't been treating you fairly and you deserve so much better. I'm going to try to do better. I'm sorry."

And he has lived up to the task almost every single day since then. I say almost, because we had another night where he was in a bad mood and being a bit of a prick, and I told him- I don't like it when you do XYZ. I'm leaving if it continues. It continued, and I left, but I woke up the next morning with a text telling me how sorry he is and that he loves me and is glad I'm in his life.

The thing I couldn't have imagined three months ago (how has it only been three months?) is that the guy whose dating profile I would have glanced right over would make me a better person and genuinely make me believe in myself.

This guy. I can't even.


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