My Dearest Neighbor,

My Dearest Neighbor,

Which neighbor am I? I'm the one that was out in her pajamas and robe last night with her dog, and listen... we need to have a little chat.

Hey...it's cool that you have lots of friends. How you managed to get all of them on your patio is beyond me. Especially since ya'll are so...large. I mean, I can barely fit both me and the Shih Tzu I was walking last night on our patio, but you know- whatevs.

Anyhow. I heard two of your friends got in a fight last night. When I say 'I heard', I don't mean through the grapevine. I mean through my closed bedroom window on the other side of the building from the parking lot in which they were hashing out their issues through varying conjugations of the verb that starts with F. I mean, yes. It was impressive. They covered the word using it as a noun, verb, adjective, and I believe even a dangling participle at one point. No doubt their high school English teachers were quite proud of their mastery of advanced grammar.

And listen, I know I'm a big old nerd for being asleep at 11pm on a Saturday night, so I didn't really say anything to you about waking me up, but I have to think I wouldn't have enjoyed the dialogue anymore if I was wide awake and watching tv. So, in the future, if you have that many friends over, could you possibly keep it down just a smidge so that I (and the three other neighbors that came outside just to see what in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks was going on out there) could get a little rest and relaxation on our weekends?

Thanks so much.
Smooches!
JO