*It's after 10 and past my bedtime, and I should be sleeping, but this is on my mind. While looking through some posts-in-progress, I've noticed they've all had to do with the same thing: being single.
Today I discovered that my college roommate is getting married. It's been so long since we've talked that I didn't know she'd even met someone. I know no details, only that I've seen two pictures of them together and they look happy, so I'm happy.
That's the second girl I know of this month to get engaged at the age of 34-35. To someone they met when they were 33. You'd think I'd be jumping for joy because that means there's hope for me out there. If they can get meet someone at this age, I can too and he'll be right around the corner and maybe I'll meet him tomorrow and happiness and joy and sunshine and rainbows will ensue.
But I'm not jumping for joy. Even though these two girls met their men at the age I just broke into, I still don't feel particularly hopeful for sunshine and happiness and joy and rainbows in the form of a relationship.
In a moment of awkward small talk, a friend recently asked me: "So, Any guys on the radar?"
I told the truth: "No. And I don't know if there will be. I just don't know if marraige is in store for me."
Once upon a time, I believed I'd get married. I believed that somewhere out there, someone was saying a prayer, that we'd find one another, in that big somewhere out there. (Now that song's stuck in your head, isn't it? You're welcome). I believed that God had marraige planned for me.
Now, I don't necessarily believe that He doesn't have marriage planned for me. I just don't know if I believe that He does anymore. It's an oxymoron. I know He cares about even the most minute aspects of my life- when I've got a headache, when I'm stressed out over papers to be graded, and when I am feeling blue. But I have to wonder if He knows there's no husband for me and is waiting for me to just get over it already.
I once believed God was carefully preparing and refining my future husband and working on the exact details to bring us together. I guess I just don't believe it anymore. I once had dreams of being a young bride. Early 20's, just out of college, living in newlywed bliss for a couple of years before we thought about kids.
But now, that's no longer an option for me.
That dream is gone.
Ashes.
I know He makes beauty from ashes.
But hoping for that beauty... it's just hard.
* I turned off comments for this post. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to write about it.
