If I don't post this little anectode, I'll forget it. And I really don't want to have to turn the alarm off at school, so I'll go out of my way to access the interweb in an attempt to avoid it.
The scene: me driving to Lubbock last Friday afternoon. You know this is not my first drive to Lubbock. I know when and where to stop, and even where to watch for Wyl E. Coyote. I also know where to go slow and where I have a little flexibility in the speed department. Or so I thought.
I'm cruising along the highway when I feel the need. The need for the bathroom. You thought I was going to say speed, didn't you? Silly rabbit...I was already speeding. I was on a stretch of highway between two towns, so I didn't need to go exactly the speed limit. I went over a hill, saw the officer coming up opposite me, and knew immediately I'd been busted.
When I find myself in situations like this, which is much more often than the average person, I feel my best line of offense is to play dumb. I'm actually quite good at it. Jessica Simpson has nothing on me. So, the thoughts that are coming out of my brain do not exactly match the words coming out of my mouth.
Officer: "Ma'am, did you realize how fast you were going?" (Now, I may play dumb, but I'm not stupid. I knew full well I was going too fast to claim ignorance.)
Little old me: "Yes, sir, but I have to go to the bathroom, and I know I'm only a few miles out of Guthrie, so I'm just trying to hurry to see if there's a place to stop there."
Officer: "Well, you just passed through Benjamin."
(This is where the 'playing dumb' comes in. Some people call it lying. I do not like those people.)
Little old me: "Yes, sir. I didn't see the Conoco in time to stop, and I thought there would be another place, but there wasn't."
I knew full well there wasn't. And the reason I didn't see the Conoco in time to stop was because I knew before I hit Benjamin that I wasn't stopping there. The one public bathroom there is gross. Too gross for me to use. The one in Guthrie is much better. And since Guthrie is only about 30 miles from Benjamin, and was going more than 60 miles per hour, I knew I'd be there in less than 25 minutes.
Lest you think I'm some sort of wild, reckless, law-ignoring citizen, know that God punishes me for things like this in His own special ways. I still got the ticket. I'm adult enough to be okay with that, because I was speeding and I deserved it. That was the law punishing me.
God's punishment: much worse, and much funnier. At this point, I've hit bathroom emergency Level 4, and have to go pretty bad. And while I thought it would take me less than 25 minutes to get to Guthrie, I didn't count on my extended visit with Officer Wainwright.
I also didn't count on the one public bathroom in Guthrie being closed. As in padlock-on-the-door closed. The minute I saw the padlock on it, I knew God was handing out His own special punishment, because the next town was about 45 minutes away. Worse yet...it was Dickens. I would rather have cleaned the bathroom in Benjamin before simply using the one in Dickens. I have been fully punished for my speeding incident, and repented by going no more than 72 miles the rest of the way. While I wasn't necessarily afraid of what would happen if I got pulled over again, I was a little concerned about what God would do if I disobeyed the law again!
Now, Shania Twain is playing on the overhead radio speaker, and I'd rather face the alarm than this. So, until I get my laptop back...
Peace out.
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