Put it on my tab.

Let me tell you about the time that I got pulled over by the police officer. You're saying to yourself "Honey, you just told us that story a couple of post ago." No, I didn't.

I've been pulled over again since then. Because teaching fourth graders makes me stupid. Ignoring the annoying habits of fourth graders all day makes me ignore other things. Like school zones. And directions from police officers.

At this point, I really think there's a picture of me at the police department with the caption "for a good time, pull this girl over." Wait. That didn't sound right. I meant "a good laugh."

So, I am driving to the parents to pick up Crazy Daisy because the pest control was there, and since at times she qualifies as a pest, it was in her best interest to spend a day at the 'vacation house'. I pull up to a stop sign and saw two officers standing under a tree. I saw them and smiled. Look at our cute little local police officers keeping the peace in our little town.

And then one walks my way. Immediately I knew what had happened. When he got to my car, I rolled down my window. Before he could speak I said "Oh My GAWD, I am in a school zone, arent' I?!??!?!?!"

Kindly Officer Hall took my drivers license and said:
"Please make a right turn, go about ten feet, and wait for me."
Unfortunately, what I heard was:
"Please make a right turn, into the nearest subdivision, go about ten feet, and wait for me."

You see the problem. Sort of. Let me mention that the nearest subdivision didn't have an immediate entrance, but instead an entrance that was waaaaaaay down the road. At no point did I rethink what he'd said. When I finally got to a stop 10 feet into the subdivision, I realize something. He is on foot. I get out of the car and see if the po-po is walking my way. Nope. The po-po is no-no where to be found. I get back in my car and ponder the dilemma. What exactly is the protocol for igoring an officer's directions and driving away from the officer?

Finally, he pulls up behind me. I get out of my car to apologize profusely and try to convince Kindly Officer Hall that I am not an idiot, all evidence to the contrary. I can't get in a word, because he is laughing hysterically. I got back in the car and waited. He explained to me through giggles (but they were manly giggles) that he turned around and couldn't find me. He said he didn't think I looked like the kind of person to run, but he'd never had something like this happen before and he couldn't quit laughing! The bewildered expression on my face seems to have helped my cause.

He says: "Please listen to everything I say before you begin talking" (I can understand his need for this pre-emptive statement.) "You are very lucky. We stop ticketing 5 minutes before a school zone was over."

I put my head down in shame and mutter "I'm six minutes, aren't I?" (I can't even follow directions marginally well at this point.)

"No. You are very lucky. You were at four minutes and thirty seconds. I've never had someone come so close to getting a ticket. Or drive away from me like that." (Nice jab. You're losing the "kindly" from your title.) "You are very lucky because 39 in a 20 in a school zone would be a very expensive ticket." (Don't worry Officer Hall, it's about to get expensive on me anyway.)

"Is this your current address?"
"Um.......Um.....no. The one on the insurance card is, but not so much the one on the driver's license."
"And how long has it been since you've lived at this address?"
"Um....wow....I guess it's been almost a year now..." (Or, 3, which was the real answer.)
"And did you know your registration is expired?"
"Well, actually, it's not. See, I have it here in the glove compartment. I just don't want to put it on until I can have someone else take the other one off so that it doesn't leave a bunch of goo, and I'm really not good at putting things like that on straight. Or following directions."
"Well, I'm going to have to write you a ticket for the driver's license and the registration. I'm pretty sure you can get both of these dismissed for a small fee." Laughter, laughter, laughter ...officer on his way.

Notice he's been demoted from 'Kindly Officer Hall' to 'officer'? Yeah, because the first one was easily dismissable, but because of the way he worded the second ticket, it was not so much dismissable, and, it was only $50 less than the speeding ticket I got in lovely Benjamin, TX is going to cost me. Seriously.

Moral of the story: Being stupid is expensive.

Oh, and after two run-ins with the fuzz, you become exceedlingly paranoid. I was quite certain that the car that came flying up behind me tonight on the interstate was a policeman waiting to pull me over and demand that I render my license based on sheer stupidity. Turns out it was a Honda Civic hatchback, but it was dark so you can understand the confusion.