Sometimes I get so lonely I forget what day it is… and how to spell my name. (Lars and the Real Girl).
Sometimes, I just want to sell out.
Sometimes, I just want to go to a church like Prestonwood, or Fellowship, or the Village, where I know there will be single men, and try my luck there. Where I can go in, and find some guys that love Jesus, and hope that maybe one of them will notice me. Someplace like that where the odds are better than they presently are.
But I can't. Because as much as I ache for someone...anyone...I know where my place is. I am a relational person, and I can't watch my pastor on a screen. My ministry is in the relationships I have every Sunday and beyond.
I do not struggle with believing that Jesus died on the cross for me, and that he would do it if I were the only one alive. I do not struggle with what will happen if I die, and I am not afraid to die. I struggle in the quiet, empty times late at night, when I wonder if I will ever meet anyone. I have beautiful relationships and friendships and love, and they are what get me through my days without jumping off a bridge. But then, I come home late at night to an empty apartment, with little hope of filling it.
I am young, but I am Baptist, which is like time-and-a-half if you're not married by the time you graduate college. I'm chronologically 32, but in church-years, I'm 48. I believe I have a better chance of getting killed by a terrorist immediately after being struck by lightning than I do of getting married.
Which is why I so often toy with the idea of selling out. Swimming into the shallow waters to find someone. Giving up the dream of serving Jesus with a man in exchange for simply sitting next to one in church.
What brought this about? I was sitting at home tonight, scrapbooking and watching a Jane Austin movie, and recognizing the fact that the only thing that would have made me more of a spinster would be if I were surrounded by cats.
My painfully favorite quote from Sports Night (one of the best shows ever, may it rest in peace):
"I understand what would make a woman think any man is better than nothing, but I'll never understand what makes a woman think she's got nothing."
I know that the problem isn't that I've got nothing.
But I often wonder what good is it if what I do have is not seen?