Monday, January 30, 2012

ditches and couches and other sorts of things

I would write more blog posts if I had some sort of voice-to-text program that would take my thoughts and turn them into a blog. I am constantly composing blog posts in my head, I just never seem to have/find the time to put them into words. There are quite a few things going on here and there.

Like on Tuesday, when I accidentally backed my car into a ditch, with a fifteen-year-old in the passenger's seat.

Or how I am sitting on one of the four couches currently taking up residence in my apartment. Couch party anyone?

Or about my camera. I composed that post in my head all day yesterday, as I took hundreds of pictures.

Or perhaps, but probably not, my weekend. The participants of the weekend. My feelings about the participants of the weekend. Yeah. Probably not.

What I want to write about is a conversation shared over the best pecan-crusted ranch chicken sandwich that I have ever put in my mouth. It started with the group of participants that were leading/helping with the weekend, when we began discussing Mer's budding relationship.Mer is 24 (The Sister's age) and feels like she would like to know/date someone a year before getting engaged, and then take time to plan the wedding and such.

I disagreed. She asked if I felt like I would know right away if I could marry someone.

I do.

At that point, I didn't launch into my thoughts about soul mates, but I wish I had (mostly because of the company at the dinner table: someone with whom I would blindly pledge to spend the rest of my life, given the opportunity.)

She asked me if I thought it was because I know who I am or because I have a definite idea of what I want. From there on out, I didn't do a good job of explaining myself, but such is an unexpected discussion over dinner.

The gist of what I told her was that yes, I do know myself so much better, and I know more now what I need in a relationship than I did at 24, but also, I have experienced so much life and grown up CRAP (the big C. the big D. other really big letters that I can't think of right now) that I now know almost immediately if I'd want to do life with someone I meet.

Most importantly though (and I think this was a little glossed-over) was that in my mind, this principle doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. It applies to any kind of relationship- whether it is the newer friends that I've made and cherish more than anything, or some of the ladies I work with in ministry and at school that I know almost immediately I am going to have a hard time dealing with outside of small doses.

Since this new year started, God and I have been working on a few things. Mostly, my listening skills. As in, I don't ever listen when he's trying to tell me...well...anything. I don't ask the right questions, and I don't look at the reasons behind why I act and feel the way I do. But I'm fixing that here in 20 to the 12, and I've learned a few things about myself:

I am extremely jealous. Not in romantic relationships, and not in areas where trust is required. In areas of other people's successes. I walk around most of the time feeling like I am successful at teaching, but pretty much a failure at everything else. So when people around me are successful, I get jealous of their success. I'd like to think I hide it well, but if you'd like evidence, ask The Aunt about the Great December Meltdown when I'd been off my medicine for a week and was exhausted and oh that woman deserves a medal or a snuggle for putting up with me.

Also, I need reassurance. Because I walk around feeling like such a failure at the game of life so much of the time, when I am doing something, I'm extremely needy in regards to how something went or how I did or how an event turned out. I hate that about myself, and I'm working on it, but I do need reassurance on a certain level.

But, like I said, I'm working on it. God and I will figure it out. And hopefully, so hopefully, when someone does come along that is wonderful and just what I need, he won't mind doing life with me either.

Tomorrow's post (or the next day, since I can't seem to be faithful in writing): pretend boyfriends and what it's like being single at 34. You know... in case I don't write about it and complain about it enough.


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