Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Pretend boyfriends and what it's all about.

This past weekend, I got to spend some sweet, precious time with a boy to whom I'd blindly pledge my eternal love if given the chance. Sounds healthy and sane, right?

I was asked to do this weekend, with the boy's presence as a selling point. I instantly jumped on that chance, even though I had only recently become okay with the thought of  never seeing this boy again. The Man Upstairs and I had a few conversations regarding this, and He gave me an answer. Not an easy answer, not a painless answer, but an answer that I accept as Truth. (More on that later...)

But the weekend came, as did the boy that is, in my mind, everything I could want in a guy: Fun, Cute, and Following Jesus. The Single Christian Girl's Trifecta. In the flesh, and around every corner this weekend.

We again became fast friends, cracking jokes and enjoying the experience of the weekend and the bazillion crazy teenagers. It also helped that two of my besties (as Shamy would say) {C} and {Gideon} were there to play and hit up Starbucks and Target and make some pretty cool chalkboard paint.

During those times I received several texts from three different friends commenting or asking me about the boy, but I had nothing to report. I could have spent the whole weekend analyzing every move, comment, or gesture (He did touch my arm. Twice.) but I wanted to just be in the moment. Every moment.

When asked how it went by KC, one of my closest confidants, I simply said that it was fun having a pretend boyfriend for the weekend.

One of my coworkers suggested I put the moves on him.
I'm 34 and single.
I don't have any moves.

See, relationships are much trickier when you're 34. We spent a lot of time together, sought each other out, but ended with a brief, breezy "see ya" thrown over a shoulder. There's such a fine line between showing interest and borderline creeping, and I don't know where it is.

This whole interacting with boys thing? I have no idea what I'm doing.

I have three single guy friends, this boy not included, and I don't know where any of them stand with me. Are they harboring secret crushes? Do they think I like them?

As much as married people aren't communicating much anymore- single people never communicate to start with. We walk around in this nebulous of wondering how people think of you and feel about you and how to encourage or discourage that. It's exhausting, really.

But ultimately, the painful reality is that during my conversations with The Man Upstairs, in response to the question of why this boy was here this weekend when I'd given up on ever seeing him again, He asked me the simplest and most painful question of all: Do you love Me more than Him? Do you love Me enough to never get what you think you want and still be okay?

And through tears (because I know that I will probably never get married and have kids), I answer yes.

And I think that that was what this weekend was all about. 

1 comment:

  1. I hate reading about tearful moments. I think it is OK that you are no Kelly or Tina.



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