Two Letters

Dear Guy at Church,

I'm sorry I can't be more specific with your name. I think it is Ryan or Brian, but I'm not sure. My mother is convinced it's Brian. You don't know me, and I don't know you. We go to the same church, but to different services. The reason I'm writing this is primarily apologetic.

You see, many many months ago, you came and sat down in front of my mother in church. My mother noticed you immediately. You give off the appearance of a young, urban professional. More than that, you give off the appearance of being single. And, not only are you in church, but you are in church with your mother. So, clearly you are a saint, and, therefore, perfect for her daughter.

So, that leads me to the apology. It's twofold. First, I would like to apologize for my crazy mother. No doubt you have seen both of us talking between services, with her clandestine glances in your "general" direction. To say she has been stalking you would be a bit of an overstatement, but only a bit. She actually asked a couple about you, mistaking one of them for your mother. Unfortunately, and unbeknownst to her, they were friends of mine, and had no idea what she was talking about. She's not really crazy, per se, she just wants the best for me, and is convinced you're it. Which leads me to my next apology...

I'm sorry for what I may be someday forced to do. You see, my mother just knows that if we were just introduced you would easily fall madly in love with me and I with you, and then she'd finally get those grandkids she so desperately wants and I would stop talking like my dog Daisy is her granddaughter. That's all she really wants. Grandkids, that is. And since you are so obviously a Christian Saint, and I am so obviously the girl for you, I should just go and introduce myself and get the ball rolling.

So, if in the next few days I walk up to you and introduce myself, it is only to get my mother off my back. While my mother fully expects you to ask me the question: "where have you been all of my life," I will completely understand if the real question you ask me is "are you high?" Rest assured I will not be offended in any way if you smile and nod your head and avoid me like the plague from here on out. Actually, I probably won't be offended if you shout "who are you psycho?!" loudly and walk off making a cross with your index fingers. That will show my mother that she is, in fact, out of her mind, and I was right to insist that it would be awkward and silly to just walk up to you and introduce myself.

So, to recap: sorry my mom is stalking you, sorry if I am forced to walk up and blindly introduce myself, and thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
The blonde girl with the crazy mother

Dear Guy at the Party My Mom Went to Last Night,

You don't know me. My mother met you at a party last night, and says you look exactly like this guy at church that she wants her daughter to marry. I'm sorry she asked you two dumb questions, and not the obvious question of "do you go to FBC Lewisville?"

And if you do go to FBC Lewisville, please see the above letter.

Thank you,
Jennifer