Thursday, January 28, 2016

a better person

Well, wasn't that a dramatic and sleep-deprived little post I left out there for a couple of a lot of weeks?

Though I'm still slightly sleep-deprived (will I ever not be?) I'm facing the rest of 2016 with a little bit better of an attitude.

I sent this text a few nights couple of weeks ago:
I am at the Denton target with the pretend husband. He's wearing a red hoodie. We got separated and it's like the world's worst game of Where's Waldo. We may be pretend divorced when we are done.
We did not get pretend divorced. We came home, cooked dinner while listening to jazz music, danced in the kitchen, and settled in for the evening with both of us on our computers while his dog snored in his lap.

The boy and I are in a pretty good (though still non-romantic) place lately, but it didn't come without hard work. The "not talking to me" referenced in the last post? That was a punishment and a test. And I assure you, it won't happen again.

When the boy and I were talking on New Year's Eve, he had made me mad, and then I said "I'm frustrated with you" but didn't tell him why, and then pulled the classic, "never mind... forget I said anything." I'm totally owning that- but I didn't want to have this conversation over text. So the next two days, when he was short with me, giving me one word answers and not really initiating any conversation, I thought this could possibly be the end of us.

Then, as I was headed his way to pick him up to skate, he was downright rude to me. Rude. And I had had enough. We were going to have a chat. I am never one to confront conflict, but it wasn't healthy for me continue this way.

So, we set up a time to go and skate. I asked if he could meet me at the park, and he was absolutely rude. I tried to call him- he didn't answer. Challenge accepted. The song that should be playing right now is "Going Down For Real."

We rode in silence to the park, with him making small efforts to talk and me not giving an inch. We skated, with more attempts at small talk and such. And again, I was having none of it. Then we decided on dinner. We ordered, sat down to eat, and I said "I need to talk."

Once upon a time, after he had talked to me about some of his issues with people leaving him, I promised him that I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't leave him. And this seemed to be a test of that.

He asked if we were breaking up, and I assured him that I wasn't breaking up with him, and I wasn't leaving him, but I also wasn't happy with how things were going and that I wanted to see some changes. I told him that he doesn't make much effort in our relationship, and that it's very one-sided, with me doing all the work, doing all the driving north, and me doing all of the heavy lifting. And while I wasn't going to leave him, I also wasn't going to put up with this.

Now, it should be said that I'm a firm believer that you can't change anyone, and you can't change their behavior- they have to be the ones to do it. I will not change for a boy, and I will not try to change a boy. So I was not looking to change him. I just needed for my own sake to tell him that I wasn't happy and give him the opportunity to answer to it. And answer he did.

He said "you're right. I haven't been treating you fairly and you deserve so much better. I'm going to try to do better. I'm sorry."

And he has lived up to the task almost every single day since then. I say almost, because we had another night where he was in a bad mood and being a bit of a prick, and I told him- I don't like it when you do XYZ. I'm leaving if it continues. It continued, and I left, but I woke up the next morning with a text telling me how sorry he is and that he loves me and is glad I'm in his life.

The thing I couldn't have imagined three months ago (how has it only been three months?) is that the guy whose dating profile I would have glanced right over would make me a better person and genuinely make me believe in myself.

This guy. I can't even.

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