So, today was Sunday #2 that I was absent from church. Both last Sunday and today, I ended up driving by church as they were letting out, and I had to resist the urge to slink down in the seat to avoid being seen when I really should have been inside the building.
My thoughts today are also a little reflective of my mood today. This is a tough time, and I'm not sure what's going on. I moved, but have tons of unpacking. My beloved family is moving away soon, but with no definite time frame. Things are just uncertain. I don't know. And I'm used to knowing. And that pisses me off, because I know that the only thing I can be certain about is that I can never be certain about things. And I carry these things around with me all day, until they get resolved, and they are quite often not resolved by Sunday morning, when the Small Talk happens.
I hate Small Talk. HATE IT. It is the bane of my existence. Some Sundays, I walk into church thinking that if one more person asks me how my summer's going, I'm going to go postal. And then I restrain myself. And put on my cheery face, and say it's going good, how's yours? This is the part I don't love about church. This culture we create doesn't always allow for real-ness.
While God is pretty okay with us not being all shiny and happy all the time, as long as we're honest about it, the rest of the church is not always like that. I am as guilty of this as anyone. God actually sometimes uses it to get me out of my funk. One time, I was in a foul foul mood right before the Christmas presentation, and I ended up being stuck in a room with this one random woman from our church that is a little left-of-center, so to speak. So, she asks me how I'm doing, I lied and said I was fine, and (just what I hate that other people do), ended up asking her how she was doing. Well, she was having some digestive issues, and she proceeded to tell me about them in detail, and by the end of it all I could do was smile and nod and inwardly give in to God about my bad attitude.
God allows for real-ness, but people sometimes don't. And this morning, I'm kinda grateful that I don't have to be at church in my bad mood, because I'd be fake and tell everyone I was okay, even though I'd be risking being struck down dead by lightening for lying at church. And, as a side note, most of this is because I go to a big big church and am involved in almost every ministry and therefore know a lot of people on a surface-y kind of level. But I do have people at church that know me enough and are real enough with me that, when asked how I'm doing, I will answer "I'm pissed off at God" and they can handle it. And I love them for it. And they are my real church.