She should learn.

Today was THE TEST day. The day in which I stare at fourth graders for hours on end. It was poke-your-eyeballs-out fun.

Know what's funner?

Coming home from that test only to have to immediately take your dog to the vet.

Now Daisy and I? We've been to the vet before, only to come back with no diagnosis and a strong suspicion that someone (that is not me) is faking it.

And since that was su-pah fun, she decided to do it again.

Last night, as I got home, she ran and got her a drink of water. When Daisy goes to get a drink of water, she approaches it as if she's never had such wonderfulness of water, and may never have it again, as she slurps down half a bowl in approximately 3.74 seconds. And then chokes herself. And then burps loudly.

I know you're jealous you can't be here to witness it.

Last night, after the Great Evening Water Slurp, she started making these hacking noises. Like she was hacking up a lung. It was weird, and even The Aunt agreed, as I was on the phone with her when it happened. I just chastised her for drinking too much too fast and we went on with our lives.

Only, at 2am this morning, she woke me up asking for water and kept doing it. Again and again. If I thought it was special at 7pm, you can only imagine how much fun it was to listen to it at 2am. I gently nudged her and patted her like I would any sleeping companion who is trying to hack up their lungs at 2am while I am trying to sleep.

People were inspecting my apartments for sprinklers or air filters or gremlins or something, so I took her to The Parents today while there were people at my place. As soon as we walk in the door, she starts hacking. I'm immediately annoyed, and the parents are immediately alarmed. I assure them it's nothing, and go on about my day.

When I get home, she's still hacking, and my parents' concern level has reached def-con 5. It's the only day this week I'm free, so I decide to do the responsible thing and take her to the vet. As soon as I get there, she immediately.stops.hacking.

Does.
Not.
Hack.
At all.

Because I'm there without an appointment, we have to wait approximately 75 million and a half hours before the vet makes it to us, during which time that this crazy dog I live with does.not.hack.even.once. At one point, I wondered how much trouble I would get in if I just got up, scribbled a note that said "Sorry! Just kidding about the hacking thing!" and left out the side door.

The doctor came in and listened to her and tried to manipulate her throat and couldn't get her to cough or hack or do anything but lovingly lick his hand. So, he listened to my description of her symptoms, said it might be kennel cough, and prescribed the girl some pills. And I spent a bunch of money and we went home.

She still hasn't hacked yet. During the longest wait ever, she kept whining and trying to get me to open the door to the exam room so she could make a get away.

I explained to her that "homey don't play that", and the next time she thinks about faking an illness, she should remember that the only thing it gets her is a trip to the vet.

And a really pissed off food-giver.